Friends,
I
mean that salutation literally. You, dear readers, are the only friends I have
and that concerns me.
Let
me start the story in the beginning. Like most folks my age, I grew up playing
outside with the neighborhood kids. Everyone within a block and within 2 years
+/- my age were my friends. This continued thru my school years with only the
range increasing to larger than a block and/or to being centered on specific
places. I had school friends that I didn't see in the summer; Synagogue friends
that I only saw on the weekend; Pool friends from the summer; etcetera.
ERSA Swim Team 1976
(J is on back row, 1st male from the left.)
I
went to college 3 hours from home and didn't go home very often, so the process
started over in College. Still it followed the same pattern, friends were in
the same class(es), or lived close, or worked with me, or were friends of other
friends.
The
same pattern reestablished itself when I was married and in the Air Force.
Because life was a little more temporary, i.e. we moved more often, there might
not have been as many friends as I’d had at some times in my life, but I always
had someone I could invite to a Surprise Birthday party for my wife, or a
backyard barbecue or to watch the big game, or whatever event called for a
gathering.
Time
stands still for no man. I eventually ended up stationed in Oklahoma City and
divorced from my first wife. I made friends with people in the unit and I
frequented a Bar / Dance Club that featured Country Dance Lessons two nights a
week. The lessons were taught by a Country Dance Club and they’d match up
singles or get club members to fill-in. I met the club members and dated some
of the single ladies I met thru the lessons until I met my current wife. We
became active members of the Club and had backyard barbecues, bridal showers,
weddings, and weekends away at dance competitions. All of those activities I’d
already associated with being friends. I had lots of friends and our wedding
ceremony featured a fairly even grouping of co-workers, family, and dance club
friends.
Soon
after the wedding we transferred to Ramstein Germany and the process started
all over again. We didn't join any organizations, but we had neighbor friends
and coworker friends. Everything seemed normal to me.
Then
came the cascade of events that ended in my separating from the Air Force.
Those details may be discussed later, but for this post I’ll just say it was a
rough time in my life. I returned to the states to Florida because that was
where my parents lived and I had a FL Driver’s License in my pocket. (Military
members can pick and choose what state they like to call home. FL has no
personal income tax, so it is very popular.)
The
plan was to settle in Tampa and go back to school for my Master’s degree. I had
2 year’s rights to the commissary & medical care, so I had both a nearby
base and a University to attend. The same pattern “how to make friends and
influence people”* reasserted itself. We became friends with neighbors and
coworkers and classmates. Still it was a bit strained. I was working 40 hours a
week and attending classes for another 8? hours and had homework for another 8?
hours. (? = Yes, I’m just guessing at this time.) That meant I didn't have as
much time for friends and we couldn't always plan on every weekend being free.
* - Would that be a better post Title?
While
we were in Tampa the Apartment management had us all move out while they
renovated the buildings, we moved and neighbors moved elsewhere so we had less
geographic friends. Then graduation split up the classmates and all of a sudden
we had more time but less people to spend it with. Like my classmates, I was
looking for a job elsewhere, so I didn't really worry about it. I’d assumed it
was a temporary condition.
I
got that job elsewhere and we moved to Maryland. We had more family in the
area, so that was an improvement, but we knew we’d be moving into a house when
we found one so we didn’t make any friends around the apartment. Also my
coworkers were spread out over a much larger area. We generally all lived
within a 20 mile circle centered on Work, but we covered that circle from 7 o’clock
on the dial around to 3 or 4 o’clock. In some cases it could take 1.5 hour to
drive from my home to a coworker’s. We did buy a house, my first (at 41 years
old), and that only decreased the number of potential friends by spacing out
the living areas compared to the compactness of an apartment complex.
So
after 800 words, I get to the heart of the matter currently. I don’t have any
friends that I can invite to a backyard barbecue or to watch the big game. I’m
not involved in any organizations like the Elks, Moose, Rotary, etcetera. My
wife’s health has deteriorated so we’re not going dancing. I don’t have the
free time to leave the house to cultivate a friendship. I have a herd of cats
to care for. I’m the only driver in the house, so I have to do all of the
grocery shopping and other trips out of the house. I’m the cook and the maid.
I’m not complaining. I said ‘til death do us part and I really mean it this
time. I also said in sickness and in health. I will not leave the marriage this
time. I take responsibility for that decision and I stand by it. If I left,
Mrs. would have to live in an assisted living facility. She couldn't take care
of herself.
So
you, my friends, are the only friends I have. I only see little pictures of you
on my tiny electronic screens. Are you real? I’ve met some of you in-person,
face to face, so I know that some of you are real, but that accounts for less
than 100 of you on Twitter. (I follow close to 2000. About 1200 follow me.)
When it comes to FaceBook, the number I’ve met in person is higher because it
includes friends from childhood, High School, College, and more distant family.
If
we define a friend as someone that can feed your cats if a death in the family
calls you out of town unexpectedly, or come to your rescue if your car runs out
of gas, or bail you out if arrested, I’d be lucky if I had 5 people I could
call on. (I know the last two are covered by roadside
assistance & bail bondsmen, but the first is a real concern.)
I
don’t like this situation, but I’m at a loss as to how to fix it. Is this
normal in our society today? Are there millions out there just like me? Is this a stage in everyone's life or does it relate specifically to frequent moving and not setting roots? Is it
right for me to join an organization that’ll take time away from managing my
household? What about Mrs? Surely she feels lonely too. I’m the only person she
sees most days. We do get out of the house for shopping together at least
weekly. I’d probably go stir crazy if I was that limited. At least I get to
interact with coworkers at the office.
This
is the longest, the most personal, and the saddest post I've written. It should
be in blood red; I've poured my life onto the page. Do you have any
insight? Can you help me? Answer in Comments or via email to 7shore at gmail.